Thursday, January 28, 2016

ZOMBEAVERS (2014)



ZOMBEAVERS (2014)

Director: Jordan Rubin
Writers: Jordan Rubin, Al Kaplan, Jon Kaplan

Starring: Rachel Melvin, Hutch Dano, Courtney Palm

Ya know, the concept sounded wonderful, a sure-fire hit: combine zombies with nature-run-amok. Come on, the idea is fuckin’ golden. Sadly though, the concept took the shape of Zombeavers, one of the unfunniest horror-comedies I’ve yet to watch. Many horror fans I’ve dealt with seem to think this flick is golden. However, their senses of humor seem to be leaden, proportionate to the ratio with which they enjoyed this flick. No, you will not have a fun time with this flick. I mean, unless you think the epitome of humor is a fart joke.
     Two morons from the Mamaronneck Medical Research Facility are driving down the road. They plow into a deer which causes one of the barrels they’re transporting to abandon ship and land next to a beaver dam, shooting its contents everywhere like a chemical money shot. Okay, so let’s meet our three leads: Jenn (Lexi Atkins), Zoe (Cortney Palm) and Mary (Rachel Melvin), three ladies heading out to the country for some much-needed time without their boyfriends. After swimming and showing off some cleavage, the idiotic boyfriends arrive—and some Bedspring Music is made…except between Jenn and Sam (Hutch Dano), who’re having relationship troubles because Sam kissed some unidentified girl at a party. But the boyfriends aren’t the only uninvited guests: a horde of zombie beavers have gathered outside the cabin—and they’re eager to take a bite out of some college girl beaver! Can the gang stop the zombie beavers? Will any of them escape? Will the actors be able to continue working with a shred of dignity?
     Oh, and did I mention that whatever/whomever gets bitten by a zombie beaver turns into a zombie beaver/whatever-the-hell-it-is hybrid? Fun.
     Okay, so it should be obvious that the big draw here is the comedy: the flick doesn’t take itself seriously for a second. However, the comedy is unfunny—almost offensively so. And if it isn’t unfunny, then it’s simply desperate, reaching with all it’s might to touch your funny bone, even if it’s just a teeny tiny bit. Sure, you might get a laugh or two, but any more and you might wanna have your sense of humor checked out by a doctor because it’s surely incurred some problems. Most of the jokes revolve around beaver puns, beaver puns and more beaver puns. Color me unimpressed because I expect a little bit more outta my comedy than juvenile humor. If I wanted that I’d just go hang out around a middle school and listen to all the idiotic jokes flying hither and thither.
     What else can be said about this flick? Well, it has practical effects. So I’ll give ‘em that. It also has titties—nice ones at that—so I’ll give ‘em a point there, too. Oh, and a guy gets his dick bitten off by his girlfriend who becomes a zombeavhuman (yeah, I made the name up). So, another point.
     Yes, as you can see I’m really reaching for something nice to say about this duller-than-dishwater flick. And I’m pretty much pulling up jack shit.
     Okay okay, enough grasping at straws. Basically, the flick is boring, the comedy is D.O.A., and the movie drags even at only 74 minutes. Yeah, I was pretty bored by this damn thing and about popped open a bottle of cheap champagne when the end credits appeared. Skip it, skip it, skip it. And then skip it again.

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