Thursday, January 28, 2016

ROOM 33 (2009)




ROOM 33 (2009)

Director: Edward Barbini
Writers: Edward Barbini and Donnie Dale

Starring: Chad Michael Collins, Nicole Dionne, Ace Gibson

Room 33 was on one of those cheap DVD multi-packs often found in the Get This Stuff Outta Here bins at some DVD retailers. I decided to check it out because the cover (not the one pictured) in all its craptastic glory, intrigued me. Surely the film would be a smoldering turd worthy only of the un-finest piss and shittery.
     Well, color me impressed when the film turned out to not stink quite as bad as the cover let on.
     But that’s still no recommendation.
     After a pretty cool credit sequence, we are introduced to our group of Death Fodder who are all on their way to a roller derby contest; en route, they pick up Chad (Chad Collins) and Allie (Austin Highsmith) whose car has been wrecked. After the “running-low-on-gas” cliché strands them at a rest home that may have once been a psychiatric hospital, the group decides to hold up there for the night. While there, Sarah (Nina Hauser) is attacked by a girl with a shovel, Roxy (Olivia Leigh), who’s babbling about Rachel. Who is Rachel? And who is the strange man in black wandering about the grounds and killing people off one by one? And what secrets lie in Room 33?
     Sure, this damn thing is no masterpiece by any stretch of the imagination (even when placed next to SyFy Channel fare), but it wasn’t as awful as I thought it was going to be. Sure, it’s still a piece of crap, just not a soggy, maggot-infested one. The biggest flaw with this flick—and it’s a pretty damn big one—is that it simply isn’t engaging. We don’t give three shits about any of the characters because they’re all boring and spend a bulk of the running time arguing and arguing and arguing over dumb, inconsequential shit. Things don’t get going in earnest until about the 45-minute mark, but I’d stopped caring by that point. After this, the film just sort of meanders its way to a conclusion, upon which the film just ends. Thinking about it, it’s not so much a conclusion as it is just the filmmakers being unable to find anything else to pad out the runtime.
     As mentioned earlier, there is a killer stalking the grounds and offing the idiots by screaming at them. Are the kills good? Bad? Who knows! All, except one, happen off-screen. And the one they do show is so great that I don’t even remember what happens.
     There are only about two positive things I can say about this flick: the location is nice, and it’s the females who have the guts in this flick. The men come off as little more than impotent idiots and are simply here because men exist in real life.
     In the end, it’s understandable why this film ended up on a multi-pack: no one in their right mind would dole out any amount of dough on such a turd. Dull, unimaginative, and uninspired are three perfect words to describe this flick. Definitely not gonna watch it again.
     However, compared to the film I watched afterwards (Final Spawn), Room 33 is a mid-grade masterpiece…

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