Tuesday, December 22, 2015

WRESTLEMANIAC (2006)



Being an ex-wrestling fan (I’ll still watch old matches on occasion) Wrestlemaniac seemed like a no-brainer: combine something I love (horror) with something I used to love (wrestling) and—bam!—a Friday night’s worth of solid entertainment. Hell, maybe it’ll get me itching to revisit some of my favorite matches from yesteryear and relive a bit of my (misspent) youth.
     Or, maybe not.
     Six knuckleheads (Steve, Jimbo, Debbie, Dallas; Daisy, who spends most of her screen time passed out drunk; and Alphonse) are driving through the Mexican desert en route somewhere to film an amateur porn flick. After missing the freeway they stumble upon an old gas station run by some crazy dude (Irwin Keyes) who suggests they take a different route to reach the freeway but to beware of La Sangre de Dios. Steve then gets to serve his only purpose here, which is exposition: according to legend, Mexico wanted to beat the Russians in wrestling so they took three of their best wrestlers and created a genetic hybrid named El Mascarado (Rey Misterio, Sr.) to do the job. However, El Mascarado went nuts and began killing his opponents. Thus, they deposited him in La Sangre de Dios. Therefore, our characters van must break down right outside of La Sangre de Dios. Ignoring the crazy dude’s warning to stay away, they venture into the abandoned town to film their porn where they are offed one by one. Will anyone survive the slaughter?
     So what we have here is a generic slasher wrapped up in a novel concept to detract the viewer from the fact that they’re watching a generic slasher—and a boring one at that. Aside from the sets, which are pretty damn cool, and footage of old Mexican wrestlers doing their thing during the opening credits, there is little positive I can say about this film. Sure, we get a few tit shots but the rest of the affair is so dull and lifeless that you’ll have more fun playing with your own tits instead. If you’re going to tackle something as generic as a slasher film you’d better imbue it with speed-freak energy. Unfortunately, the film’s energy never goes above a comatose dude stuffing his face with donuts while watching infomercials.
     And the gore is pretty weak two. Sure, we get a couple faces being peeled off (admittedly, these look pretty decent) but the rest is standard crap. And the film skimps out on a couple kill scenes anyways. Come on now, those are the only reasons to watch these boring flicks: the kills! Hide one away and the film basically sucks, which is just what Wrestlemaniac does—and it sucks harder than Jared from Subway will be doing in prison to save his ass from being turned into a subway for footlongs.
     Suplex this damn thing right outta your DVD player and go watch some midget wrestling instead.

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