Monday, November 2, 2015

SIN REAPER 3D (2012)

I've seen some awful flicks in my time, but this one damn near drove me to the brink. A bunch of non-talent and Lance Henriksen (here to pay the rent) are to blame for this insult to the horror genre: Sin Reaper 3D.
     Samantha (Helen Mutch) has been plagued with nightmares for the last ten years of a monastery and a nun who looks like her getting killed therein. Her therapist (Henriksen) discovers that the drawings she does of said monastery resembles Wallenhausen, a former convent, now a museum, in Germany. So Samantha packs up and heads there to explore the monastery and "take it to the next level" (as her therapist says) by confronting her fears. Once there, she meets Sasha (Patrick J. Thomas); together, they go on a tour of the monastery where she hears the story of the sin reaper. Samantha is then banned from Wallenhausen because she is taken into an office by one of the workers and sees some stuff she shouldn’t. Joined by Sasha and a bunch of killer fodder, she breaks into the monastery one night--only to discover that a masked killer is on the loose! Of course the group is killed one by one until the killer is unmasked in the non-event finale, followed by an abrupt non-ending.
     Sin Reaper 3D begins like a supernatural tale, then moves into generically boring slasher territory. It's nothing that hasn't been done before by far defter hands, but at least the film doesn’t have pacing issues: it moves right along from one stupid scene to the next, hoping against hope that the viewer will give a damn. The look of the killer is cool, and is the high point of the movie, but the fact that he is in Sin Reaper 3D guarantees he'll never work again.   
Next stop: the unemployment line.
     "But how are the kills!?" I hear you asking. Well, they suck and are pretty much on par with a lame made-for-TV movie--which is exactly what Sin Reaper 3D looks like. No kidding, there are even bits when it fades to black as though some commercials are supposed to start playing. And though the film is in “3D,” there’s only one bit actually shot in 3D. And it, like the rest of the movie, sucks.
     And speaking of sucking, the acting on display is so bargain bin not even the Razzies would touch it. The "actors" are just comatose, barely sleep-walking through their roles. My favorite is an Asian woman named Jenny. I'm not kidding when I say she talks like a white person mocking an Asian person (just think of South Park and you’ll get the idea). What a great way to eliminate stereotypes in movies, as well as insult every Asian viewer! But at least she’s nice to look at.
     Oh, and the music cues are overdone to the extreme. It plays suspenseful music or a sad violin every. Chance. It. Gets. A character is about to bite the dust? Cue suspenseful tunes or sad violin, depending on the mood they're going for. A character turns around? Cue suspenseful music. A character finds something? Suspense music. A character walks into a room? Music! Two characters are sad and about to meet their maker? Here comes the crying violin! However, given that the characters are thinner than a road sign after meeting a steamroller, the music does nothing but annoy the viewers. My favorite bit of music use comes when one idiot decides that the best way to escape the killer is, and I'm not making this up, to throw himself off a catwalk to the ground below. What happens? He gets to lay there, paralyzed. Of course the killer waltzes on down the stairs and delivers the killing blow--all while suspenseful music is playing in the hopes that the audience will be screaming "Get up, you paralyzed idiot. Get up and run!" when, in reality, they've stopped paying attention.      
     Hopefully, though, you've paid attention to my review and avoid this atrocious waste of digital film like the plague. Go watch paint dry on growing grass for 90 minutes instead. It's a far more enjoyable viewing experience.
"Don't you understand!? I can buy GROCERIES with this paycheck!"

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