I’ll admit, I’m not the biggest fan of Japanese horror films—the serious ones anyways. I find them to be too meandering and too flat and too boring to be anything more than nice to look at. Sure, there are a few that might tickle my fancy, but my general reaction to them is “Meh…” That being said, I’ve never come across one I’ve hated—until now. Bar none, Gurozuka is the worst thing to come out of Japan since the brigade of bombers that took out Pearl Harbor.
Seven years ago, a Japanese school’s film club was shut down due to one member disappearing and another being hospitalized after suffering a mental breakdown. Present day, seven Japanese girls head out to an isolated lodge known as Yuai House (where the events of seven years prior occurred) to restart the club, discover what exactly happened, and use the story for a school project. But then, strange things begin happening… Will the girls be able to stop it? And, will you give a shit?
Yeah, we’ve seen and heard this plot a thousand times before: generic people go to generic place where generic killings happened however long ago, and it isn’t long before the generic killer shows up and begins killing off the generic people in generic ways, and blah blah blah—you know the fucking story. However, whereas other generic slasher flicks will have at least one interesting kill, or are stupidflat, apathetic, and uninteresting, not to mention just plain stupid. The actors seem aware of this because they wander through the whole movie as though they’d rather be somewhere else. Can’t really blame them though because the characters they portray are so undefined and bland the viewer could easily lose track of who is who, and they do very little throughout the film. Talk, stand, carry bags, shower—those seem to be the only things the seven women in here are capable of. And they all seem bored to tears with it.
But then, stuff starts to happen! Food disappears, people vanish, a strange figure is seen wandering through the woods, bland and uninteresting kills abound! Oooo, looks like things are going to start picking up! Grab your fucking popcorn folks, shit’s gettin’ real!
How do the girls react? They don’t seem to give the slightest fuck—“Oh, so-and-so is gone? Oh, anyways, I’m just gonna sit here and be boring, or maybe I’ll go take a shower, or maybe I’ll hold this bag…” If they don’t give a shit, then why should we?
Bottom line, this movie sucks and is not worth a minute of your time. Avoid like herpes.
|These poor girls just watched Gurozuka. Take pity on them.|